Twilight in a Nutshell
by Mits
Summary: Parody summary of the Twilight Series.
1. Twilight

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight**

**Author's note:** I have no idea why I took this down with the others, but I'm putting it back up now. Only minor spelling corrections.

_**Twilight Series in a nutshell**  
Twilight_

Bella: I hate Forks. Who's that mysterious guy?

Bella: Why does Edward already hate me? I must smell bad.

Edward: Must not kill Bella.

_Bella trips on random object Truck comes rapidly toward Bella_

Edward: Not her.

_Edward saves Bella_

Bella: How did you do that?

_Edward glares_

_Bella glares_

_Bella blushes_

_Bella trips on random object_

Edward: Let's be friends even though I'm dangerous, and we shouldn't be friends.

Bella: okay

_Edward glares_

_Bella blushes_

_Edward saves Bella again_

Edward: I'm a vampire, and I read minds.

Bella: You can't read my mind; I'm a freak!

_Edward takes Bella to the meadow._

_Edward sparkles_

_Bella stares_

_Bella tries to kiss Edward_

_Edward freaks out_

Edward: I love Bella

Bella: I love Edward even though he's a vampire, and I barely know him.

Edward: Must not kill Bella

_Bella trips on random object_

Edward: I've been stalking you and spending all of my nights in your room.

Bella: I'm flattered

_Bella blushes. _

Edward: Let's meet my family.

Bella: I hope the vampires like me.

_Vampires play baseball_

_Bad vampires arrive_

James: I want Bella

_Edward growls_

_James growls_

_Edward runs away with Bella_

Bella: Oh no Charlie!

_Jasper, Alice, Bella hide in Phoenix_

Bella: He has my mom!

_Bella rushes to sadistic vampire_

_Edward saves Bella again_

Edward: I love Bella

Bella: I love Edward

Bella: I want to be a vampire!

_Bella trips on random object_

_Bella blushes_


	2. New Moon

**Disclaimer: I do not own New Moon or any of the characters**

_**Twilight in a Nutshell**  
New Moon_

Edward: I love Bella

_Bella blushes_

Bella: I love Edward

_Bella trips on random object_

Edward: Happy Birthday!

_Bella pouts_

_Edward glares_

Bella: No! I want to be completely selfish and ungrateful and make everyone upset because I'm older than Edward.

Alice: Presents!

_Bella gets a paper cut_

_Jasper pounces_

_Edward saves Bella_

Edward: I don't love you

Bella: Oh crap

_Bella becomes a zombie_

Bella: I want a motorcycle

_Bella meets up with Jacob Black_

Bella: I'm going to use my college money to secretly pay to fix these motorcycles; don't tell anyone.

Jacob: Ok

_Bella tries motorcycle_

Bella: Yay! Voices in my head!

Jacob: Bella's pretty.

_Jacob becomes a werewolf_

Bella: I have no friends, again

Jacob: Bella, I'm a werewolf

Bella: Cool, more mythical creatures to befriend

Bella: Let's go cliff diving

_Bella jumps off a cliff_

_Jacob saves Bella_

Alice: Bella's alive?! Oh crap

Edward: I want to die!

_Alice and Bella fly to Italy_

_Alice steals a car_

_Bella saves Edward_

Edward: Oh cool, I'm not dead

Bella: I love Edward, even if he only feel guilty / I'm dreaming / I'm dead.

Caius: Bella becomes a vampire or dies

Edward: Crap

Bella: Yay! I want to be a vampire!

_Edward glares_

_Alice steals another car_

_They all fly home_

Edward: I love Bella

_Edward smiles_

_ Bella blushes_

Bella: I completely forgive you for abandoning me

_Jacob glares_

Jacob: What about me?


	3. Eclipse

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, New Moon, or Eclipse**

_**Twilight in a Nutshell**  
Eclipse_

Edward: I love Bella

Bella: I love Edward

Jacob: I love Bella

_Edward glares_

_Jacob glares_

_Bella glares_

Bella: No. I love Edward

_Victoria comes back_

Bella: Crap. How many times are vampires going to come after me?

_Edward goes hunting_

Bella: time to go see Jacob

_Edward gets pissed_

Bella: sorry

_Bella hugs Edward_

_Edward goes hunting_

Bella: time to see Jacob

Edward: Damnit Bella! Listen to me

_Alice kidnaps bella_

Bella: stupid vampires

Edward: maybe I shouldn't be psychotic. Ok, bella you can see Jacob

_Bella pouts_

Bella: I don't want to anymore

Edward slaps his head

_Bella / Edward go to Florida_

_Jacob yells at Edward_

_Jacob glares_

_Edward glares_

_Bella glares_

_Edward tells Bella the truth_

_Jacob Visits Bella_

Bella: I'm gonna be a vampire!

_Jacob accidently stabs himself_

Edward: cool, but why'd you stab him?

_Bella blushes_

_Bella visits Jacob_

_Jacob kisses Bella_

_Bella punches Jacob in the face_

Bella: you broke my hand!

Edward: next time, I will break your jaw

_More newborns attack_

Bella: More vampires after me, what else is new?

_Bella makes Edward stay out of the fight_

Edward: fine because I love you.

Bella: I love you too, Jacob. Crap I mean Edward.

_Jacob keeps Bella warm while Edward jealously watches_

Bella: oh no! Victoria

_Edward kills Victoria_

Edward: Jacob's hurt.

_Bella faints_

_All the newborns are killed_

Edward: now the only thing to worry about is the wedding.

_Edward smiles_

_Bella glares._

_Jacob runs away instead of facing his problems._


	4. Breaking Dawn

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**_

_Author's Note: I wrote this like years ago, but I'm dumb and accidentally deleted this chapter instead of editing some typos. Woops? That's what happens when you don't log in for a very long time._

_**Twilight in a Nutshell**__  
-Breaking Dawn-_

Book One:

Bella: I love Edward, but I don't want to marry him.

Edward: Come on, Bella! I can't stand being the only virgin.

Bella: We get to have sex?! Yay!

_Bella and Edward get married._

Jacob: Nooooooooo! You whore

Bella: I love you, Jacob, but I love him more.

_Bella and Edward go on their honeymoon an island Esme just happens to own._

Bella: sex sex sex Sex!

_Bella blushes_

Bella: What do I wear?!

**Fade to black**

Bella: Hey, what are these bruises?

Edward: I ate a pillow instead of you.

_Bella eats 3932 eggs_

Edward: I guess we can try again

Bella: Yay! Sex sex sex Seeexxxxxx!

**Fade to black**

Bella: More pillows?

Edward: No, headboard this time.

_Edward leaves to go hunting._

Bella: I'm so hot, where's Edward?

_Bella eats bad chicken_

Bella: Yup, I'm preggers.

_Edward freaks out._

Bella: Better call Rosalie!

Book Two:

_Switch to Jacob's point of view despite the entire series being from Bella's_

Jacob: I really just want to fight someone. Where are those Cullen's?

_Jacob goes to visit Quill and sees Claire_

Claire: I'm here to foreshadow! yay!

_Jacob goes to the Cullen's_

Jacob: Wtf? Bella, what happened?

Bella: I'm preggo! And It's killing me, yay!

_Edward becomes the burning man x 343_

Edward: Will you please have an affair with my wife so that I can kill my baby?

Jacob: Sure, why not?

_Rosalie hovers over the baby, threatening to kill anyone who so much as breathes on Bella. _

_The pack hear of the baby and wish to kill it_

Jacob: I'll just make my own pack!

_Despite all of the tension, nothing happens with the pack_

Bella: Mmmmm blood is tasty!

_Bella's bones begin to break as the baby kicks. _

_Bella leans over and vomits a fountain of blood_

Rosalie: The baby!

_Edward uses his mouth to free the baby. _

_Jacob becomes a pedophile._

Bella: Yay! Let's name her after everyone!

_Bella begins to die, Edward injects his venom._

Book Three:

_Bella, despite being a horrible actress, is able to remain silent and still all throughout her change._

Bella: Where's my baby?!

Jacob:Uh, Bella. Funny thing, I'm in love with your baby. Don't kill me!

Bella: You, what?!

_Bella has amazing self-control and finds it boring._

**Fade to black**

Bella: I love sex

Edward: Me too, love. Me too.

_Irina sees the child and thinks it's a vampire._

Bella: Crap.

Carlise: Let's get lots and lots of vampires to come watch us die!

Alice: Oh, you should- bye!

_Vampires from all over the world come to witness Renesme_

Bella: I have cool powers!

_The Volturi and its entire army come to crush the Cullens_

_Taunting and snarls on both sides_

_Jane even attempts to use her powers_

_Caius kills Irina, trying to provoke a reaction._

_And then..._

**Nothing.**

Aro: Oh, sorry about that.

_And another book end with a cheesy "happily ever after"  
_

* * *

Review and what not. Or don't. I can't tell you what to do, or can I? ;D


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